You know the feeling; that twinge in your chest or stomach that occurs when one of the people closest to you, unexpectedly says or does something that totally catches you off guard. To you, they appear nonchalant or indifferent, as if what occurred was a regular or everyday experience for them. They seem oblivious to the fact that in that instant, they hurt you.
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This is already an uncomfortable scenario, but it becomes more uneasy once you voice your concerns and inform the offending party of their inconsiderate actions. Of course, ego-defense mechanisms go up and the battle begins… a battle of wills: who’s right, who’s wrong, explanations of misunderstandings, who will back down first, who will throw the last stone or must have the last word.
Finally, the stage has been set for an apology to happen, but there’s usually an area in the human emotion that hesitates to apologize in a scenario like the one painted above.
There are 3 primary reasons why it’s important to be apologetic in circumstances where people may be uncomfortable: (1) to release negative emotion, (2) to allow forgiveness and (3) to create a more positive solution.
When you know that you’ve done something wrong to someone, you can feel deeply the stress that holding onto pride in this type of situation does to you. Even though you make rationalizations and excuses for why you ultimately hurt them, there’s a pull at your heart that says to be remorseful. The longer you resist the pull, the more negative energy is stored, thus creating stress in your body. Negative emotions are also aligning you with more negative experiences in the long run depending on how long you stay in those feelings. It is cleansing and very healthy to let go of the ego-driven stress of not apologizing when you know you should.
If you are on the receiving end of an apology, you know how much pressure is lifted off of your heart when you hear the words “I’m sorry” sincerely spoken. For both you and the person expressing remorse, this place is where forgiveness is allowed to extend its salve of healing to the wounds from the discourse. Forgiveness opens up the heart for compassion and love to reside once again, which we know are both very powerful emotions that attract pleasant results.
Once forgiveness is in order, then the two warring souls are at rest and have reached a truce where they can begin to offer better solutions to the problem so that it won’t happen again. Honest and non-judgmental expressions of desires can be made during this time without the risk of being defensive or feeling like your point is being ignored or rejected. Here is the area where creativity can abound and more positive and varied answers to the problem can be reached and accepted.
It’s not always best to have the last word or try and force someone to get where you’re coming from. Let the fists of fury relax and let your spirit speak for you. Usually the last words will be I’m sorry, please forgive me, I love you, and thank you, four very powerful phrases that allowing an apology invokes. So, the next time you think you’re owed an apology or you don’t want to give someone an apology, release the emotion, allow forgiveness and let the solution flow. It won’t hurt so badly after all.